I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
