Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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