In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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