I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
