My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I FOUND THE LEGS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
