it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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