all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
