I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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