I faked an abortion last night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
