community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
