we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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