I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
