She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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