During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
40s are totally the cure
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
