there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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