my vag is so smooth its legendary
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
