he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
