Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
