I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
