Someone shit on the floor
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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