The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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