You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
