I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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