Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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