birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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