just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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