Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
