Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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