Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
