I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
