What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
