party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
