if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
