some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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