Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
