matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do vagina's smell?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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