Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
