You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
