Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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