shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
