i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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