I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
