if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
