ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
