They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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