Say something about gay babies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
