who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
