Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
