I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
