you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
